On a recent trip to Florida, I was on a mission to buy some Marina Grill bling. I wanted to dress it up with some parrots, flamingos and signs. It was bothering me that it didn’t have the look that I wanted to bring to guests. It needed more bling. More Shizzle. It was kinda like dry, white toast, and I wanted a Thomas’ English Muffin.

So I wanted to go shopping in stores with people that live the life, not online at a store with a South America Jungle store name.

No, not a Python. Not a Rain-Forest. And certainly not an Amazon.

So I set my heart on Key Largo and all the neat mom and pop stores that have Davy Jones Locker kinda stuff. I’d like to be, under the sea, in an Octopus’s Garden kinda stuff, less the drugs (well, ummm, this is a PG rated article).

Years ago I passed a really cool store in Key Largo that I had my heart set on.

You know the store.

It’s the kind of store that has 200 feet of road front, and somehow has 300 feet of trinkets.

The kind of store that entices you to steer your car off the road, cut everyone off, and piss the locals off.

This store had the ‘it’ factor, and I was determined to go there and return, well, broke.

But, all the sudden Covid hit, and the entire Keys were shut down. No entrance without a drivers’ license with a Monroe County address. Crap! Really?

I figured I’d wait it out. Surely they will open it up in a few days.

Tic-tok, tik-tok. Surely it will open in a few weeks. Tik-tok, tik-tok. But noooooo.

So I started studying Biology to try to come up with a vaccine. I enrolled in an online course to learn more about infectious diseases. I mean, after all, I needed my bling, and this Covid thing can’t be that difficult, can it. If I quickly find a cure, I can get my trinkets, my bling, and a small side benefit would be that I saved the world.

Drop the mike!

Well, that proved to be more difficult than I imagined.

So I needed a plan B. I wasn’t going home empty handed.

So I scoured the internet, and found a cool store….ummm, right around the corner from me in Ft. Myers. About a minute away.

Best part, it was Veteran Owned and Operated.

That’s where I met Flossie, a beautiful 6 foot metal Pink Flamingo.

It was love at first site.

She was so pretty, standing there, tall, pink, smiling. Beautiful eyes…and that nose, I just can’t get enough of that nose.

I quickly scoured the yellow pages for divorce lawyers. How would this work out? Would my kids accept her? Does she know accounting? Can she wait tables? All for $300 bucks.

Definitely cheaper than my wife.

You get the picture.

After coming to my senses, I purchased Flossie and a bunch of her smaller friends and guess what, they delivered to our rental house free. Sweet!

I thought I got one over on them. $300 for Flossie and free delivery? I’m in. I’ll take two!

I soon realized why they delivered. My wife saw it coming. Like Nostradamus.

6 feet of flossie and 3 feet of car.

I’m not good at math, but that doesn’t add up. See, my wife jumped on a plane and blamed it on Covid.

It was that, or drive 3000 miles with me, listening to me bitch about no room in the car, and traffic, for days. Oh, did I mention I have a Hyundai Elantra?

Like I said in an earlier letter, my wife’s smart. Real smart. Way ahead of me. Damn. Got me again.

So it was Flossie and me cross country (intentionally grammatically incorrect). Kinda like “Thelma and Louise”, “Bonnie and Clyde”, “You Only Live Once”. No problem, it’s gonna be fun.

A little windshield time will do me some good. Allow me to gather my thoughts.

Now, how do I get all this stuff in this small car?

And all my wife’s clothes. And her shoes. And Gifts. And Flossies friends.

I tried shoving Flossie in the car. No Go!

I ruffled her feathers, and she didn’t fit. Legs were sticking out of the trunk.

That won’t work. I figured somewhere in Alabama or Mississippi I might be arrested for kidnapping.

So I looked into getting a sunroof. Pretty smart, Huh?

But then I thought, what if I hit rain. Scratch that Idea.

Pretty good visual, though, me going cross country with a 6 foot pink flamingo sticking out of my sunroof. Might not make it out of Texas. Especially with California plates.

So I set out to chop of her legs, and weld them when I got home. Simple hacksaw should do it. $5.99 at Walmart. I got this!

Three hours later, I might have scratched her legs. Hacksaw is not gonna do it.

Then I went to Harbour Freight and purchased a large pipe cutter for $89.99. Ok, this will do it.

When I got back to Flossie at the rental house, I realized how stupid I was, as a pipe cutter has to rotate around, and her legs wouldn’t allow this. They wouldn’t let me return it, as you guessed it, Covid. It had to be sent to the manufacturer.

Ok, back to Walmart. I purchased a cordless saws-all for $129.99. They’re not gonna get me again…I bought blades along with it.

Got back to the rental house, and bam, no battery.

Back to Walmart, and for $59.99 I got a battery AND a charger.

Back to the rental house and after a 30 minute charge, her legs came off like butter.

I felt like I hit the lottery.

Like a kid in a candy store.

My neighbor strolled over, and asked what I was doing. I explained to him my quest, and he said he would have lent me his saws-all.

See, I made friends with him ’cause he met WINTER TOMMY!

Oh well, better luck next time.

So I have $285.96 in my $300 Flossie for a total of $585.96. Pretty smart, huh.

Anyway, I need to feed Flossie and see if she wants to go out tonight. Don’t tell Tammy.

See you soon,
Tom

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(559)-642-3200
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Bass Lake Watersports Boat Rentals
The Pines Resort Marina
54406 Marina Drive Rd 432
Click for Map
P.O. Box 222
Bass Lake CA 93604
559-642-3200

We’re not dumb. At times I act stupid, but I can assure you it’s just acting (there is currently not a family consensus on this).

We all weigh out the options, evaluate the risk, and act accordingly.

Burger and fries, not good for you. Salad with low calorie dressing, good for you. Yet, this is how many of us order…”I’ll have the burger and fries”.

We know it’s not good for us, yet we entertain that risk. This risk can be applied to everything we do on a daily basis, from driving to work, taking a flight, eating a burger, playing soccer or going surfing. You name it, there is an element of risk.

So it’s risk versus result/reward that enters the picture.

This process, often subconsciously, takes place in everything we do. Do I want to drive to work, yes or no? Do I want to jump out of this plane, yes or no? It’s that simple. One risk may affect others. One may not.

But we’re not dumb. And we learn. We educate and experience. Then we make a decision.

As a population, we are now evaluating the risk of possible further exposure (health) versus the reward of economic survival (wealth). When and how do we re-open the Country.

I know I want to get back to work so I can feed my family and feed my body and mind. I’m ready to start May 1 like a NASCAR driver in pole position, like a second string quarterback that just got a chance, like a…well, you get the picture. Put me in coach, I’m ready to play, today. I need some coin, some paper, some fetty and some purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. Time off was enjoyable. I enjoy wearing a mask everywhere I go. “I love the smell of hand sanitizer in the morning”. I enjoyed hearing the kids complain that there is nothing to do.

Every day for 6 weeks.

I enjoyed playing Monopoly, Chess, Cribbage, Uno, Scrabble, and Call of Duty.

Every day for 6 weeks.

I enjoyed telling them their friends cannot come over.

Every day for 6 weeks.

Going to the grocery store and making them sit in the car was pleasurable. Taking the same walk every day was just fabulous. I even stayed in the same footprints some days.

I enjoyed doing yard work for 6 weeks, even though I accomplished all my goals in 1 week. I enjoyed every Tik Tok, Instagram and Facebook redundant post my mind could comprehend.

My flowers have never looked better.

I especially enjoyed standing in little blue squares at the grocery store distanced 6′ from each other, all while watching someone cut in front of me about 3 inches away from my face to grab a soda (it was an ‘essential’ soda).

I look forward to the day my flowers die, cause that means I’m working. If you ask me if I saw your post and I say no, don’t take it offensively. It means I’m working. I look forward to kicking the kids out of the house…again.

We are all ready to do our part as Americans and get back to work.

We don’t fully understand all aspects of the virus, but the ‘mental virus’ of being held captive in our own homes needs to weigh in. My mind is at the door, and I have to let it out.

We understand the reasoning behind the restrictions, and the intent, but we need to re-evaluate it as we now have more information. We can reasonably avoid most opportunities for transmission.

Let’s open SAFE businesses.

Safe businesses, while not ‘essential’ according to some government definitions, are essential to the mind.

Concerts…probably not safe yet.

Large work gatherings in smaller rooms…probably not safe.

MB2, safe.

Boat Rentals, safe.

Yosemite with distancing, safe.

Restaurants with 6′ distance between tables, probably safe.

You don’t have to leave the house if you don’t want to.

You don’t have to eat the burger.

Eat the salad.

We’re not dumb. Burger not good for you, salad, good for you. But we eat the burger. We take the risk.

I’m ready for a controlled risk.

I’m ready to talk to you from 6′ away, wear a bandana if I cannot maintain that distance, and wipe that boat down thoroughly every rental with anti-bacterial spray.

If that’s what it takes for right now, count me in.

I am hopeful 14 days is the most we will have to wait. It’s going to be a long 14 days, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 14 days and 6′ away, yeah, I can do that.

We are taking reservations and feel we anticipate being in full swing by Memorial Day Weekend.

If not, I will have to write another letter about how I overstepped my bounds and should have just waited and been patient.

6′ of Love,

Tom, Tammy, North and Daytona

I would like everyone to know that if you were sick, or worried, or lost a loved one I send my love and prayer. I have no idea what you are going through, but if myself or the Watersports family can assist you in any way please reach out to us at basslakeboatrentals@gmail.com.

We will do what we can.

Bass Lake Watersports Boat Rentals
The Pines Resort Marina
54406 Marina Drive Rd 432
Click for Map
P.O. Box 222
Bass Lake CA 93604
559-642-3200

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