It sucks getting old. I’m feeling my age.
The wisdom part is not so bad, but the body needs a tune-up.
Not that I have wisdom, but since that’s the assumption, I’m going to go with it.
I’m now 60, but I still think of myself as 18.
In my head, as I attempt stupid shit like painting from the top step of an extension ladder, or riding my dirt bike, I am constantly reminded that I am NOT 18.
The reality is my body is 60, responds like a 60 year old, and often results in an injury as a result of a miscalculated effort or a mistake.
Ok, truth be told…there is no miscalculation, I am relatively certain I’m going to get hurt, yet I do it anyway.
Pretty much 4 of the 5 body’s senses have left my body. They’re kinda on a vacation. They’re having an ‘out of body experience’, never to return. I have to learn to accept it, but I can’t.
Again, I still think I am 18.
But then I look in the mirror. Ouch! The only thing in the mirror that’s 18 is my IQ.
I can’t really see without my glasses, yet I hate wearing glasses, so I just don’t see. Tried contacts, just couldn’t do it.
You see, I’m OCD (Occipital Challenged Dummy). I don’t like shit on my body, never have. I could do an episode of Naked and Afraid. Especially the afraid part.
I don’t like necklaces, watches, tattoos, size identifying tags on my shirts, belts…nothing. Not even rings. But a ring on my left ring finger is better than a baseball bat to the head, so I wear a wedding ring, if you ‘get my drift’.
Oh, sorry, I got side tracked; back to poor eyesight. I can’t see. I just put up with a blur of an image and pretend to see.
BUT, instead of glasses, I’ve got kids. I just hold my phone up to their face, and ask ‘what does this say’. And I get an answer. It’s kinda like Alexa, without the intrusion.
Or in a restaurant, I just ask them what the total is, and I get an answer. Fast, easy, and I don’t have to look for my glasses.
My kids are my seeing eye dogs. I make them wear little red jackets in the airport so they fly free. Sometimes I use a leash.
Maybe I’ll try Lasik. That’s one bill I don’t want to see.
I really don’t hear that well. Too many rock concerts when I was younger. I went to a lot of concerts. Now I know why the seats in front of the speakers were so cheap.
After the concert, we’d jump in the teardrop window shaggin’ waggin’ and play the same music we just heard on the 8-track even louder. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
I pretend to hear…I nod my head, use safe words like uh huh, right, and haha. But I don’t know what the hell you are saying.
I’m getting good at lip- reading though. If I can catch every other word, and maybe lip-read a word or two, I just may understand you.
Not doin’ hearing aids yet. I’m just going without hearing very well.
Don’t get me wrong, I hear you. I just don’t know what you are saying. It’s kinda’ like signing up for Babble, in which English is a new language for me.
When you’re speaking to me, it’s like you’re speaking in tongues.
It’s like I joined a religious cult, and I have to turn to the King James version for translation, which is, again, my kids. I just turn to my kids and ask, ‘what did they say’? And I get an answer.
If there’s an accent, forget about it. I probably have no idea what you are saying.
Or if I’m watching a Nascar race, forget about it. I catch about every eighth word at a Nascar race. I just look at the pretty cars.
My wife takes every opportunity to place hearing aid solicitations everywhere. I pretend I don’t hear them.
Maybe I’ll sign up for Babble, and ask for English. English is a new language for me. Maybe Babble has a lip-reading app.
Maybe I’ll try Lasik.
I don’t smell very well either. That has its good points and its bad points.
The good is when something smells really foul, it doesn’t bother me like it seems to bother other people. I can clean a toilet with the best of ’em. I can climb in a dumpster and look for that cell phone. No worries, I got you.
The bad is when I am asked to smell something, I have to lie. Or I lie up front based on past experiences.
As I walk into the house and see my wife cooking, I go into programming mode and blurt out “smells good, what’s for dinner”?
Except one time I did that and she caught me. She was boiling water for pasta. I should’ve looked. She got me. Have I told you my wife’s really smart?
Maybe I’ll try lasik.
My taste left the building with Elvis.
In 2020, I got Covid and have not tasted anything like ‘back in the day’. It’s good at times ’cause when my wife cooks, I eat anything (don’t show her this).
Or when a hot sauce or pepper is challenging me, I can handle it with the best of them.
I can go over to Aunt Ester’s house and finish my plate. Even if she left the wrapper on the chicken, I can eat it.
I really should go on Naked and Afraid, because I could eat those grubs. Protein from worms, no problem.
If only I could see what I was eating, maybe I could associate past taste in my 18 IQ brain and get some flavor from sight-associated memory.
Maybe I’ll try Lasik.
See you this summer…oh, wait…
Tom, Tammy and Fammy
