On a recent trip to Florida, I was on a mission to buy some Marina Grill bling. I wanted to dress it up with some parrots, flamingos and signs. It was bothering me that it didn’t have the look that I wanted to bring to guests. It needed more bling. More Shizzle. It was kinda like dry, white toast, and I wanted a Thomas’ English Muffin.
So I wanted to go shopping in stores with people that live the life, not online at a store with a South America Jungle store name.
No, not a Python. Not a Rain-Forest. And certainly not an Amazon.
So I set my heart on Key Largo and all the neat mom and pop stores that have Davy Jones Locker kinda stuff. I’d like to be, under the sea, in an Octopus’s Garden kinda stuff, less the drugs (well, ummm, this is a PG rated article).
Years ago I passed a really cool store in Key Largo that I had my heart set on.
You know the store.
It’s the kind of store that has 200 feet of road front, and somehow has 300 feet of trinkets.
The kind of store that entices you to steer your car off the road, cut everyone off, and piss the locals off.
This store had the ‘it’ factor, and I was determined to go there and return, well, broke.
But, all the sudden Covid hit, and the entire Keys were shut down. No entrance without a drivers’ license with a Monroe County address. Crap! Really?
I figured I’d wait it out. Surely they will open it up in a few days.
Tic-tok, tik-tok. Surely it will open in a few weeks. Tik-tok, tik-tok. But noooooo.
So I started studying Biology to try to come up with a vaccine. I enrolled in an online course to learn more about infectious diseases. I mean, after all, I needed my bling, and this Covid thing can’t be that difficult, can it. If I quickly find a cure, I can get my trinkets, my bling, and a small side benefit would be that I saved the world.
Drop the mike!
Well, that proved to be more difficult than I imagined.
So I needed a plan B. I wasn’t going home empty handed.
So I scoured the internet, and found a cool store….ummm, right around the corner from me in Ft. Myers. About a minute away.
Best part, it was Veteran Owned and Operated.
That’s where I met Flossie, a beautiful 6 foot metal Pink Flamingo.
It was love at first site.
She was so pretty, standing there, tall, pink, smiling. Beautiful eyes…and that nose, I just can’t get enough of that nose.
I quickly scoured the yellow pages for divorce lawyers. How would this work out? Would my kids accept her? Does she know accounting? Can she wait tables? All for $300 bucks.
Definitely cheaper than my wife.
You get the picture.
After coming to my senses, I purchased Flossie and a bunch of her smaller friends and guess what, they delivered to our rental house free. Sweet!
I thought I got one over on them. $300 for Flossie and free delivery? I’m in. I’ll take two!
I soon realized why they delivered. My wife saw it coming. Like Nostradamus.
6 feet of flossie and 3 feet of car.
I’m not good at math, but that doesn’t add up. See, my wife jumped on a plane and blamed it on Covid.
It was that, or drive 3000 miles with me, listening to me bitch about no room in the car, and traffic, for days. Oh, did I mention I have a Hyundai Elantra?
Like I said in an earlier letter, my wife’s smart. Real smart. Way ahead of me. Damn. Got me again.
So it was Flossie and me cross country (intentionally grammatically incorrect). Kinda like “Thelma and Louise”, “Bonnie and Clyde”, “You Only Live Once”. No problem, it’s gonna be fun.
A little windshield time will do me some good. Allow me to gather my thoughts.
Now, how do I get all this stuff in this small car?
And all my wife’s clothes. And her shoes. And Gifts. And Flossies friends.
I tried shoving Flossie in the car. No Go!
I ruffled her feathers, and she didn’t fit. Legs were sticking out of the trunk.
That won’t work. I figured somewhere in Alabama or Mississippi I might be arrested for kidnapping.
So I looked into getting a sunroof. Pretty smart, Huh?
But then I thought, what if I hit rain. Scratch that Idea.
Pretty good visual, though, me going cross country with a 6 foot pink flamingo sticking out of my sunroof. Might not make it out of Texas. Especially with California plates.
So I set out to chop of her legs, and weld them when I got home. Simple hacksaw should do it. $5.99 at Walmart. I got this!
Three hours later, I might have scratched her legs. Hacksaw is not gonna do it.
Then I went to Harbour Freight and purchased a large pipe cutter for $89.99. Ok, this will do it.
When I got back to Flossie at the rental house, I realized how stupid I was, as a pipe cutter has to rotate around, and her legs wouldn’t allow this. They wouldn’t let me return it, as you guessed it, Covid. It had to be sent to the manufacturer.
Ok, back to Walmart. I purchased a cordless saws-all for $129.99. They’re not gonna get me again…I bought blades along with it.
Got back to the rental house, and bam, no battery.
Back to Walmart, and for $59.99 I got a battery AND a charger.
Back to the rental house and after a 30 minute charge, her legs came off like butter.
I felt like I hit the lottery.
Like a kid in a candy store.
My neighbor strolled over, and asked what I was doing. I explained to him my quest, and he said he would have lent me his saws-all.
See, I made friends with him ’cause he met WINTER TOMMY!
Oh well, better luck next time.
So I have $285.96 in my $300 Flossie for a total of $585.96. Pretty smart, huh.
Anyway, I need to feed Flossie and see if she wants to go out tonight. Don’t tell Tammy.
See you soon,
Bass Lake Boat Rentals